3 posts tagged “christmas”
I have to admit it, I've had a hard time getting into the holiday spirit this year.
Maybe it's lack of routine, or it being the first Xmas in a strange city. Maybe it's the fact that I rarely venture anywhere besides work and my apartment. Whatever the reason, the press of merriment has yet to penetrate my emotional matrix.
Or had, I should say. Yesterday, in spite of my resistance, NYC delivered. I spent the day at the office, a lone illuminated desk in a dark loft on Broadway in SoHo. In between drawing Candy in Space (don't ask, I won't elaborate), I was working on a super secret holiday project. As I worked, I noticed a faint saxaphone being played, out on the street. I turned off my requisite sad bastard music and listened, and the player was running through some rudimentary Xmas classics. The light had shifted, that 4pm gloaming when it turns all milky pink, not the warm light of a summer sunset, but the pastel, nordic type.
Accompanying the sax player was the din of horns, buses, crowds bustling by 2 stories below, and I started to feel it, then. The feeling of walking through a department store with your mom's hand in yours, catching glimpses of twinkling lights in evergreen, red satin, gold. The smell of chestnuts, roasting on the proverbial open fire of a street cart.
I left work around 10pm to go meet a friend for some much needed karaoke. The place was up on 35th, and as I exited the train I found myself in the thick of holiday crowds. I accidentally walked an avenue (those are the long ones, for all you non-new yorkers) in the wrong direction.
As I walked, Sufjan's "Come On! Let's Boogey to the Elf Dance!" came on the iPod. I joined the crowd, slowing my typical pace to a tourist-rate crawl. I looked at the amazing windows at Macy's. I felt the cold wind on my cheeks.
I turned down 35th (which is a dark alley by comparison), and Mogwai's "2 Rights Make 1 Wrong" came on. If ever there was a song written to make one feel like It's All Going To Be Alright, that's the one. As I emerged into Herald Sq., as the song crescendoed, I was struck by the main Macy's windows, kids laughing, the Empire State Building right before me, lit up in red and green. The platonic Xmas. The archetype.
I smiled as I walked past, towards the new year.
The holidays are nearly upon us, and with the swell of parties, travel, and reunions, there are sure to be many people you haven't seen in some time. Invariably, one or two of those people may have broken up with a longtime partner. To help you navigate the icy waters of Conversations About Exes, I've decided to compile this handy guide:
1. DON'T ask "what happened between you and ______?"
This is an impossible question to answer without a lengthy and/or difficult story. Most likely, the person has retold the story in varying degrees to friends and family since the breakup, and repeating it to satisfy your curiosity is like peeling the scab back.
2. DO ask "how are you doing?"
This is an easy question. It allows the person to decide the depth in which they want to delve, or if they simply want to sidestep the issue with a "I'm fine, thanks." This is their perogative
3. DON'T speak ill of the Ex.
I know it seems supportive to call your friend's Ex a fucking bastard or lying bitch. Don't. Don't assume that A) the breakup was antagonistic, B) even if it was, it was the Ex's fault. People change. They grow apart. Your friend might love his Ex more than ever, they just might not be compatible as parters any more (or, say, she became a Lesbian, for example.)
It's kind of like making fun of someone's sister. It's OK if THEY do it, but for you it's verboten. Besides, what if they get back together? It'll be weird.
4. DO speak well of your friend.
Say something positive, like "I'm sure you'll come out of this better for it." Try not to say things like "Plenty of other fish in the sea!" or even "I know you'll find someone who gets you." That can come across like replacing a dead puppy when they're not done mourning the old dog.
5. DON'T assume ANYTHING about the relationship/breakup.
You always saw him flirting with other girls? Don't assume he cheated. She was obsessed with fashion? Don't assume she was distant. You can't know the intricacies of a long-term relationship, nor should you fill in the blanks or just Dr. Phil the shit out of it. Things happen.
and while we're on the subject....
6. DON'T Dr. Phil the shit out of the situation.
I know it's hard to escape the temptation to psychoanalyze your friend's breakup. Our analysis life and psychobabbly pop culture (Dr. Phil fucking included) makes it very tempting to try to "break it down" for your friend as to why it didn't work out, or his or her Ex's "issues". But you're not a psychoanalyst, and you shouldn't be. You're their friend.
7. DO encourage your friend to talk about how they feel, if THEY bring it up.
Don't say things like "It's OK, you don't have to be strong around me." if they ask you what kind of wine you're having. If they break down, put your arm around them. Go for a walk with them. Support them, LISTEN. Even when they ask things like "Why did he leave?", don't try to explain it. Say "I don't know, sweetie." Because it's honest, and all they want at that moment is to feel comforted.
8. DON'T assume any change in your friend's routine or lifestyle is because the other person was "holding them back".
If your friend has suddenly started smoking, eating pork, or moved across the country, don't jump to the conclusion that it was the Ex all this time, holding them back. Maybe they want a change. Maybe the Ex encouraged them to follow their dreams, even if it meant breaking up. Again, you don't know. So don't make a big deal about it.
9. DON'T gossip about it with other people.
Just don't. It just ends up hurting someone, most likely your friend.
10.DON'T take sides.
This is tricky, especially in cases of antagonistic and angry breakups. But the general rule is, if you were both of their friends before they started dating, OR you hung out with them both as a couple and individually, do not take sides. It hurts to lose your lover. Don't make it worse by taking away their friend, too. The Ex is going to have a lot of losses, as is your friend. Try not to be one of them, to either of them.*
* This is especially tricky when it comes to family, but feel it out. If your son/daughter/brother/sister/mother/father break up with their partner, try to feel out if they mind you keeping in touch. Certainly you shouldn't be sneaky about it, but you should be able to maintain that relationship, if it was strong in the first place. It sucks losing a parent or brother because of a breakup, especially if your own family life is subpar.
11. DO call the Ex by name.
Don't refer to them as "ex-". That's so negative, so final. It also crosses that other person off an imaginary list. Say their name. They're not fucking Voldemort.
12. DON'T put your arm around them, say "Fuck it. Shit happens. Let's get a drink."
Actually, DO do that.
Happy Holidays
What are the 5 words that best describe your life right now?
Question submitted by mojito.
Simply. Having. A. Wonderful. Christmastime.
